17 August 2011

Yesterday a nurse from the "welcoming your baby" Medicaid program came by the house.  Mainly to check in on you and the baby.  Or in our case it seemed she was more interested in how I was doing over how Hazel was.  Hazel is quite obviously doing fine.  Little chunker.  We discussed PPD and non medication ways to fight it, she completely understood my reasoning for not trying to get on medication again, though it helps.  (reason being my medicaid is up next month, so what's the point of being on medicine for a month where it will barely kick in at the end and suddenly I'd be without again).
I've been combating my PPD with the baby steps I learned in counseling.  Mainly keeping up with dishes or other little bits of house work.  Things that are easy but make a huge difference.
Even then it hasn't been so successful.  I've been irritable with the older girls and have frequent thoughts of hurting myself.  Especially last night.
Hazel screams from about 9pm to 11pm.  Though last night it lasted until midnight.  The nurse said that overstimulation could be a cause of it, as that's the time I usually turn on the tv and veg.  So last night I tried just going to bed at 9pm.  Tried being the key word.  She was NOT interested in that.  Instead she cried and screamed and wailed as through the dark quiet house I walked with, rocked with, bounced, sat, swung, wrapped, unwrapped, fed, and changed the diaper of the little girl who would have none of it. I was so tired and wanted to cry but no tears would come out and I just ended up dry sobbing a few times and wonder where a razor was.  Then I'd pull myself back together and throw all my focus on the unhappy little one.  She didn't want to just lay down, she didn't want to be in the swing, she didn't want to be in the bouncy chair.
But eventually she got hungry again a little after midnight and nursed then blissfully fell asleep and so I got to sleep also.  Well until 4am and then she was fussy again, a diaper change, a little walking, and when she calmed down enough, a feeding, got her settled again.
But I'm struggling.  And the nurse could see it.  And even though on the Post-par tum depression "quiz" for a BYU student's degree I scored a 15 (max being 30) anything over a ten is cause for a further look and she seemed to think I had under scored some of my answers.  Which may or may not be so.  I think her being there and Mr. Man being present helped point out to him problems he may not have seen.  As this morning when I heard the kids up and squabbling, I was near tears thinking of having to get up to deal with them on such little sleep, so instead I gave him a kick, and he got up immediately without complaint, closing the bedroom door behind him so I could try and get more sleep (Hazel had other ideas though).  I did good being patient half of today despite my tiredness and the plethora of trying moments.  Drama Queen is having a rough day.  A raunchy day.  And she knows it.  Except she keeps trying to blame other things and people for her behavior.  Finally, after her last illogical reasoning for why she did her latest mean thing, I sat her on my lap and informed her that no, she can't blame her taking of toys, or disobedience, or stealing on the fact that Dempsea is gone.  Her previous excuse had been that Ava was mean while we were getting toilet paper at the store, so that's why she was being raunchy ( the store took place AFTEr majority of the misbehavior).  But hery, at least she's trying to think of why she's doing the things she's doing, right? That's a step in the right direction.
I'm supposed to be outside for 15 minutes of sunshine.  I have no desire to go outside.  I have a desire to eat an entire chocolate cake myself. . ..that'll give me endorphins right?  Unfortunately this week marked the start of our healthy eating plan.  Mr. Man is doing P90X so all our meals are structured to it, though the protien levels and snack are different for the kids and I than they are for him.  I just can't do that much protein.  And chocolate cake doesn't fit in there anywhere.  And I've not bought a watermelon even though I want some because there's no way I can limit myself to just one cup of watermelon a day.  That's a fruit serving.  Not enough watermelon for me!  So I'm going without it all together.
Mischief is napping.  Drama Queen is playing.  Hazel Mae is napping.  Mr. Man is doing his workout.  I'm going to go lay down and pretend I'm not trying to fall asleep.


sleepless said…
Prayers work wonders sometimes. I remember putting the baby safely in a seat...at one end of the house. Turning on the vacuum, and camping out in the shower..to drown out the crying. I figured if I couldn't make the baby happy no matter what..let him cry alone !
Laurel said…
What Hazel is doing sounds normal to me. Each of my babies have been fussy during "the witching hour" that period of time late in the evening just before bedtime. I have dealt with it differently each baby.

Sophie would NOT go to sleep when being held by me. She just would not. She napped with me during the day fine, and in the middle of the night always slept with me, but for that one time every day to go to bed it was David's job to get her to sleep. I would nurse her and then hand her off to him and he would rock her until she slept. If Dave was working and not home, it was miserable b/c I couldn't get her to sleep. My sister, mom and neighbors learned about it and each took their turns. She's finally growing out of it now. My sister-in-law had the same situation with her daughter.

I'm telling you that in the hopes that you can tell that to Mr. Man and get him to agree to take charge of her during her most fussy time of day, every day.

I'm really sorry that you are battling PPD again. I don't know if there is anything that I can say to help with that. I only hope that Mr. Man can make your heath his number one priority. I believe that he needs to take responsibility for both of the big girls 100% of the time that he is not at work, keep up with the laundry and the dishes, and cook all of the meals when he is not at work and make sure there are lots of leftovers for you to eat when he is working, take care of Hazel during the witching hour, and change every diaper that ever needs to be changed when he is not at work. That way, you could get some sleep. I think that he should also contact your RS President or your visiting teachers for you and let them know about how they can help you, perhaps by bringing meals or helping with the older girls while he is at work? I realize that I am asking a lot of him, but I do know that he loves you and the girls and I believe that he wants to be there for you. When I was at your sealing he told me that he was going to take good care of you, I think he needs to make good on that now.

I know that I am too far away to help with any of those immediate needs, but if there is anything at all that I can do for you, or if you need Dave to call Jordan and give him baby rocking tips or anything at all, please let me know.
They say the number one cause of PPD is lack of sleep. I have to admit that I myself have problems when I don't get sleep. For those first two months especially when I was exhausted like I was I had thoughts of other people doing things to hurt Scarlet and it scared me so much it would just make me cry. And the fact that the house was disgusting but I knew I needed to sleep and not clean it made me cry. And the fact that I needed to sleep, and she was asleep, and still couldn't, and still have problems with that, and no other children to deal with, still makes me cry.

It's a serious serious thing that you're dealing with here, and I know you've had 3 kids, but that doesn't mean that Jordan "gets it" men simply don't understand what you're going through, even if they try. It sounds like what you need is a serious deep cleaning to your house, some new rules with the girls to keep the house clean IE your dirty pull ups story and rules about being mean and fighting. My second opinoin would be for you to get like literally 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep, away from the baby. I know it may not be what you want, but you might consider asking Jordan to take the girls up to Grandma's or an Aunts for a couple days, and asking one of your sister in laws to cook you a couple of meals, clean up your house, and then let Jordan stay at their house for one night with some formula and a bottle for one night and let you be by yourself and sleep. No internet, no web browsing, no blogging, no facebook, no tv, no phone, just you, and the bed. To be perfectly honest, Audrey came down for our baby blessing and she was a GIANT help to me. We both stayed at my Mom's and she worked wonders with Scarlet, she changed her diapers, rocked her, cuddled her, she was so good with her it was amazing. And I bet you anything that Audrey would be willing to come up and stay with you for a couple nights, and she could help you. You could just nurse Hazel, and she could do everything else. And the girls? Well they can stay with Tawnya, or a friends, or Matt's, or Beth's, or anyone else, just for 2 days. It's really really hard to ask for outside help, and trust me the last thing I would want to do is ask one of Sam's sisters or gosh forbid my mother-in-law to come in and clean my house and cook and help me because I want to be able to do it myself, and I would hate to admit that I need help, but they grew up with Jordan, and they know he's a man, and they get that you need help with things and they love you and would do anything to help you out. So take my advice and ask for it, or get Jordan to ask for it, because really, in the end, its all about you, because if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of the baby. And if I had money for gas, I would come help you, AND give you a massage, but you don't need two crying babies in your house. I don't know what other advice I can offer, or what I can do to help. But if you want me to make a call to one of those sister-in-laws, I will! We love you and we enjoy reading your blog and looking at your pictures. We'll be thinking about you. Let us know.
Julianna said…
I have so been there. PPD and all.

One would think that there must be some loophole some where that would allow you to get the medication even without the Medicare.

Damn. Government. Totally run by men. Hmph.
Kira =] said…
I second drowning out the noise. I use to just step out of the house with some headphones on so I could calm down long enough to say a prayer/plead for help/inspiration.

Have you looked into prescription assistance programs? Or checked to see if the church could help you with assistance for that as well.

Ben is very anti-medication and refused to see the signs, too. Finally, I just blew up and he witnessed it. He was afraid to leave me alone with the kids- it was that bad.

Not to mention- you are genetically pre-dispositioned to suffer from depression.

I know there are some non med things you can do to help you cope- but why feel like you are clinging off the edge of a cliff and barely hanging on when you could be standing on a steady surface?

I love you Agibail!

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