Yesterday a nurse from the "welcoming your baby" Medicaid program came by the house. Mainly to check in on you and the baby. Or in our case it seemed she was more interested in how I was doing over how Hazel was. Hazel is quite obviously doing fine. Little chunker. We discussed PPD and non medication ways to fight it, she completely understood my reasoning for not trying to get on medication again, though it helps. (reason being my medicaid is up next month, so what's the point of being on medicine for a month where it will barely kick in at the end and suddenly I'd be without again).
I've been combating my PPD with the baby steps I learned in counseling. Mainly keeping up with dishes or other little bits of house work. Things that are easy but make a huge difference.
Even then it hasn't been so successful. I've been irritable with the older girls and have frequent thoughts of hurting myself. Especially last night.
Hazel screams from about 9pm to 11pm. Though last night it lasted until midnight. The nurse said that overstimulation could be a cause of it, as that's the time I usually turn on the tv and veg. So last night I tried just going to bed at 9pm. Tried being the key word. She was NOT interested in that. Instead she cried and screamed and wailed as through the dark quiet house I walked with, rocked with, bounced, sat, swung, wrapped, unwrapped, fed, and changed the diaper of the little girl who would have none of it. I was so tired and wanted to cry but no tears would come out and I just ended up dry sobbing a few times and wonder where a razor was. Then I'd pull myself back together and throw all my focus on the unhappy little one. She didn't want to just lay down, she didn't want to be in the swing, she didn't want to be in the bouncy chair.
But eventually she got hungry again a little after midnight and nursed then blissfully fell asleep and so I got to sleep also. Well until 4am and then she was fussy again, a diaper change, a little walking, and when she calmed down enough, a feeding, got her settled again.
But I'm struggling. And the nurse could see it. And even though on the Post-par tum depression "quiz" for a BYU student's degree I scored a 15 (max being 30) anything over a ten is cause for a further look and she seemed to think I had under scored some of my answers. Which may or may not be so. I think her being there and Mr. Man being present helped point out to him problems he may not have seen. As this morning when I heard the kids up and squabbling, I was near tears thinking of having to get up to deal with them on such little sleep, so instead I gave him a kick, and he got up immediately without complaint, closing the bedroom door behind him so I could try and get more sleep (Hazel had other ideas though). I did good being patient half of today despite my tiredness and the plethora of trying moments. Drama Queen is having a rough day. A raunchy day. And she knows it. Except she keeps trying to blame other things and people for her behavior. Finally, after her last illogical reasoning for why she did her latest mean thing, I sat her on my lap and informed her that no, she can't blame her taking of toys, or disobedience, or stealing on the fact that Dempsea is gone. Her previous excuse had been that Ava was mean while we were getting toilet paper at the store, so that's why she was being raunchy ( the store took place AFTEr majority of the misbehavior). But hery, at least she's trying to think of why she's doing the things she's doing, right? That's a step in the right direction.
I'm supposed to be outside for 15 minutes of sunshine. I have no desire to go outside. I have a desire to eat an entire chocolate cake myself. . ..that'll give me endorphins right? Unfortunately this week marked the start of our healthy eating plan. Mr. Man is doing P90X so all our meals are structured to it, though the protien levels and snack are different for the kids and I than they are for him. I just can't do that much protein. And chocolate cake doesn't fit in there anywhere. And I've not bought a watermelon even though I want some because there's no way I can limit myself to just one cup of watermelon a day. That's a fruit serving. Not enough watermelon for me! So I'm going without it all together.
Mischief is napping. Drama Queen is playing. Hazel Mae is napping. Mr. Man is doing his workout. I'm going to go lay down and pretend I'm not trying to fall asleep.